Feel Good Friday - The Tuesday Edition

...yeah, I know... It's Tuesday...
It's been BUSY! I can't even tell you how much! Well... I guess I'll try...
1. I now have my truck back! I can't tell you how much I've missed it! Yay! Of course, the first day I drove it, the power steering fluid leaked out. Or maybe it already had after sitting for so long... either way, it was rude. What is also rude is how That Man's car is not fixed yet. He is so disgusted...
2. Camping! We had a blast in The Wilds! I had to work the day job Saturday, but I picked up K5 and we headed to camp. She had so much fun! She said everything was her favorite part! And we got to keep her an extra night! So much fun! She's such a great kid! I'm so glad she got to spend time with her aunts, uncles, cousins, and her Gigi. Gigi slept in our camper and K5 tucked her in Saturday night, then woke her for a potty trip Sunday am. It was cute, and K5 is awesome!
3. Fall is coming!!
4. Elsa being so good over the weekend!
5. Some writing time, though definitely not enough.
6. Writing meeting coming up! Yay!
7. Hanging out with people we haven't seen in way too long.
8. Hot tub time!
9. Hopeful vacation plans...
10. Sleeping in my own bed with the a/c on. Man... it was hot today. It was way too humid over the weekend. It's nice to sleep in comfort. LOL
That is all... Except... I'm really missing my dad...
Behave!

It's Been Almost 3 Weeks...

Since Dad's funeral. Tomorrow is three weeks... I think I'm finally ready to share what we wrote for the funeral - what my siblings and I wrote and couldn't get up to actually say... The closing of the casket was way, way rough. For all of us. It is something I never want to do again, and something I am so glad I did.
So here it is...

Thank you for coming out to show your support to our family as we struggle with this difficult time.

We wanted to tell you a little about our dad.

Dad didn’t always have much to say. Sometimes – most of the time -  you knew what he was thinking just by looking at him, especially when he was amused, disappointed, or mad. Or teasing... You just had to look for the twinkle in his eyes - it was there most of the time. In some of the pictures out there (on the picture boards we made for the funeral), you can see random shots of him being not sure of what us kids are up to. We never liked to see the disappointed or mad face, but because we were such “angelic” children all too often we did see that face. Often all he had to do was give us “that” look and we were silent and doing our best to behave. Or, he’d reach for his belt – which instantly brought five quiet, completely behaved children. The funny thing about that is – he rarely, if ever, had to use the belt. And when he did, you can bet your butt we deserved it. (side note - not me, because I was a true angel child. LOL)

For the most part, though, he simply rolled his eyes and shook his head. And… he did that a lot.

One of the things we learned from our dad is that there is humor in every situation. He hated funerals – hated wearing black, hated having to be so somber and stoic. He didn’t like to see people so sad. We don't think he wants us to be so sad now... We're not saying he wants us to be happy, but we think he definitely wants us to remember with a smile and be glad that he's not suffering his pain anymore and be celebrating his awesome life. That's easier said than done. Right now and probably for a long time. 

The month and a half leading up to Dad’s death were rough. We watched him go from walking with a limp, then to a cane, then with a walker. He suffered through urinary tract infections, having to have a catheter, falling, and having to drive with mom. J (just kidding, mom. We know it was harder on you than it was him.) When he went to the procedure that was supposed to make him feel better, the doctor refused to do it because his pain was so great. Things went from bad to worse in the following weeks, resulting in a nineteen day hospital stay before finally coming home with Hospice care. Hospice was awesome and took wonderful care of him and taught us so much. He was home with all of us caring for him - taking turns being there and doing meds and cleaning up - for his last ten days.

We tell you his journey so we can also tell you how he still had his sense of humor. He teased the nurses, teased mom, and us, and ended up with a toy his great-grandson left behind – this talking cookie monster (that is now beside Dads ashes at Moms). It amused him and one night in the hospital he put in under his sheet to scare the nurses. Even though we were all worried and distressed by the constant flow of bad news, we had a lot of laughs. He laughed so much the weekend before he passed. We all did. 

And we had a lot of hugs and love.

The past few days we’ve been looking through pictures of the past – camping trips, birthday parties, holidays, random gatherings, vacations. Pictures of Dad playing with the grandchildren, holding newborn grandchildren, playing games, random football games, baseball games, horseshoes, and badminton, or quietly sitting in the back ground and taking it all in, laughing. Always laughing. They were some of the best times we’ve had through the years – you’ve seen some of them in the picture boards sitting around, but there are so many more great memories in our hearts. Things we couldn’t even begin to explain or describe. Times where Dad would just sit with us in silence, offering his quiet support and gentle guidance. The times where if one of our families had a crisis – our parents would be the first ones there. Whether it be Dad watching grandkids on Christmas morning so his new granddaughter could be born and Gram could be there for her birth, to rescuing us when we were stranded motorists, driving for miles to help fix a broken down truck in a deserted boy scout camp, not freaking out “too much” when we wrecked or dinged the family car, handing out cash, picking us up and taking us to the doctor when we were sick and our spouses couldn’t be there, helping in our yards and homes – with tree removal, painting, renovations, or taking time from work to come to school when one of us got into trouble for doing something stupid. (There might have been more of those times than any of us care to remember, especially with the older two.)

And we did the same for him – driving him to work when he had a broken foot, picking him up when he got sick after eating something bad, not wrecking his tractor when we helped clean up their yard after a particularly bad storm, but that’s what you do as a family. You work as a team.

We’re going to miss him more than we can ever say, but thanks to him, we have a strong family and a lot of wonderful memories to hold in our hearts and share.

 *That's what we meant to say, but couldn't. It's still hard for me to read. I still want to edit it a bunch of times and add so much more, but what's there is raw and from the heart. It's a mix of my siblings and I. We talked about it, edited it in our emotional state... 

Speaking for myself alone, I had a really good childhood. I have a lot of awesome memories, some of them weird because I remember weird stuff, but Dad was always the one thing that never changed. Whether he was laughing hysterically because I picked up a garden snake with the hose, or him laughing at me making gigantic chicken feet prints in the dirt when we camped, or when he told me what I deserved in a relationship and helped me be strong enough to demand it. I could go on... 

But I can't. 

I miss you, Dad. 

Behave! 

I'm Coming Back...

My Dad passed away last Monday.
I'm still trying to adjust.
We had a very awesome weekend with my siblings and being home at the 'rents house. We had a lot of very good times, a lot of tears, a lot of food and beer, and a lot of making Dad laugh.
I will always remember that weekend as one of the best. I would never change it for any other weekend or memory. Even though we all knew Dad was dying, we were all there together - talking, laughing, playing music, telling stories, supporting Mom and each other. It really was an epic weekend.
I miss my dad. I always will. But I am so very grateful for the time we had together. I'm so glad I got to tell him how much I love him and that I could be with him every second in his final days.
Missing my dad sucks! I want him here. I miss him so much.
I will be back... I'm still trying to process and get my crap together... I appreciate your understanding through this horribly tough time...
Behave!

The Way It Is...

The siblings who can take shifts staying overnight at the 'rents. The spouses stay when they can. It's not ideal, but it's working for now. We can't leave Mom alone. We can't leave Dad.
He's restless and on heavy pain meds. Every day it's something different with the meds. And the pain.
I'm here tonight. That Man is here too, but has gone to bed because he works much earlier than I do and I had to give the pain med dose at almost 11. He will be up and checking things before he heads to work. My sister will be here before I leave for work. I can't remember who is on shift tomorrow night. Frankly, every day is running together right now. Wait. I think it's my brother since Friday is the 4th. We're having a cookout here and when I told Dad what we were doing he was happy and looking forward to it.
Tonight we rearranged the living room where Dad is so Mom's chair is right beside him. I also did some work in her kitchen to make it easier for all of us to cook and clean up while here. All of us kids (and our spouses) are very cooking oriented and the kitchen is kind of small. Space was needed. She was scared of my plan and told That Man and K2 that I was hiding all of her stuff. (ha! She cracks me up!) It looks good though! She helped and we talked and it was good.
Dad had a hair cut tonight. One of That Man's good friends is a barber and he came after hours to cut Dad's hair. It went well, though it took a while because he was "this" side of being a wholly mammoth. (ha!) He was sore afterwards, but pleased with the results. K2 and J stopped by. That was good. K2 was silly and made Dad laugh a lot.
We finally (I think) made him comfortable, but I'm waiting a few minutes before I try to go to sleep. I'll be sleeping in the living room with him, just in case. There is so much noise in this house I would never hear him call me. There are air conditioners, fans, fans, fans.... And it's freaking hot outside... Geeze!!
Tomorrow is everyone's Friday though. That's a good thing. A very good thing.
One day at a time...
Behave!

So... Again... In Case You Didn't Know..

Cancer SUCKS!!!
My dad is dying from it!
This has all happened so fast! Dad is home with Hospice care now. It's in his brain, bones, liver... The doctors haven't given him a lot of time.
It SUCKS!!

Still Processing....

Every day it's something different....
Dad has had some stomach issues - not sure if it's the same bug that has seem to hit most of the family, or something else, but he's feeling better now.
There's been a few episodes of AFib - where his heart stops for a few seconds and then starts again. We think that's been going on for a little while and is only noticed now because his heart is being monitored. New meds have been ordered. He may have a pacemaker in his future.
He had a bone scan today. The results were that he has some lesions in a few spots. I did some research and while it could be related to his spinal stenosis that he's had, it could be other things too. We were told that they just don't know for sure, but our follow up is with the oncologist. He has blood work in the morning. Then he moves to a rehab facility for strengthening.
All I know is that my siblings and I are pissed. We want answers. We don't want to have to wait another two weeks for them. It's ridiculous that we're on this information finding quest when it's quite clear that the doctor's already know. Just freaking tell us already! And way to make the consult appointment on the most inconvenient day. No one can take off on July 3rd at this point unless they have seniority! Way to screw 90% of the family!! (yes, I'm angry... for many reasons!)
It's been another long week. And it's only Wednesday.
And I still have to do what I have to do...
Yesterday K4 had an orthodontist consult. She needs braces and oral surgery. We have another appointment in a month to do xrays, scans, and write another huge check...blah blah blah. And then the next month we hear the treatment plan and how much it will cost. Whatever. We'll do whatever we have to do for her. But oy!
I'm trying really hard to write. I have less than two weeks to turn this book in and I'm close, but not close enough. I have been working as much as I can, but my "as much as I can" is not good enough in my mind. I will be putting the hammer down over the next few days, because I will meet this deadline!
Our kitty boys are getting big! Not too much bigger, but they're putting on weight, which is good. And they now have free reign over the downstairs while we're in bed now. Noisy! They love the stairs! Elsa is so good with them. She loves them and they don't want to play with her yet.
Elsa got herself in trouble by leaving the yard today. Note - the reason she left the yard is because no one was watching her! Some people forget she is still a puppy and not Abbie. We've taken care of that knowledge, but Elsa is walking around here full of guilt. How weird is that? I wasn't even home when it happened and she's still sucking up to me...
And tomorrow is our town's huge street fair. I have to leave when it's just getting started and will be home during the thick of traffic... OY! I hate it! Next year I will take off to be here just so I don't have to leave! But suck! What a pain!
At this time last year, we were saying goodbye to That Man's brother and family. We'd had a successful and awesome bridal shower for K2 and were gearing up for the wedding.
This year sucks so far. Though we are looking forward to some things...
Everything is just up in the air...
Behave!

I'm Doing All I Can...

There won't be a Feel Good Friday this week, because there's nothing to feel good about. (which is really not true because there are a few things, but...)
Right now, though, there is just suck.
My dad has cancer.
In his bladder and it's inoperable.
We have no prognosis or anything. It's a wait and see thing at the moment. We have to get him stronger so he can manage chemo. He may go to rehab this week, but we don't know when. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that we will fight this SOB Cancer with everything we have and we will kick its butt. Because, guess what, Cancer, you don't own us and we're bigger, stronger, and meaner than you will ever be! And there's more of us, no matter what you think! Stupid Cancer! You Suck!!
I am not processing well though, despite being determined. I don't know what to think, what to do, where to be...
My kids are not processing well either. They are each very interesting in how they attempt to take the information in. I see myself or their father and our coping mechanisms in each of them. They are all very freaked out. Pop Pop has always been a huge part of all of their lives. He was there for them when we lost That Man's dad. He's always, always, been there for them - to help them, teach them things, and hang out with them and make them laugh for their whole lives - just like he's been with me. They don't like this. I don't either.
Where am I supposed to be? I haven't arrived home until late all week because I've been at the hospital every night. I missed the last day of school joy. Twice. I've missed the kittens adjusting to their new home. I've missed my grandson. (though I did stay with him for a while last night. We jumped in puddles and did silly things. And I did get to talk to the younger K's for a few minutes, but not long enough and we didn't know anything last night.) I've spoken to my granddaughter on the phone, she's hysterical and so adorable, but we didn't get to have the ice cream date we hoped for. I've missed talking to my kids - especially the ones at home. The kid who now has his first car and so wanted to show it to me - only I didn't get home until well after he went to bed. And the girl who brought her beater truck home to be worked on in the hopes that it will be ready for when she gets her permit, but I was barely able to fully check the truck out so far. It's not fair to them, but how can I be in two places at once? I can't keep up with everything. I barely know my name right now. Yes, I have guilt. I know everyone is okay and fine. I was home for a little while today. We had a family meeting and were totally available for questions and conversation, but...
I had a lengthy conversation with my mom about it tonight, but I still have a crap ton of guilt. I have to be at my day job because I'm new and have no paid time off and can't afford to lose hours. Besides, Dad would kick my butt if I took unpaid time off of work. (which is one of the only things keeping me going) And I work a later shift now. And it sucks.
I need to be there for my mom. I know my uncle is in right now, but she still needs me to be there. I spent the night with her last night. Which was good in a lot of ways. But I feel like I should be there tonight - especially. Mom is an amazing person. She is one of the strongest people I know. I am proud to be her child. I'm also proud to be a part of this amazing family who has always been there for each other, no matter what. Even if we're being stupid silly in the face of bad news, we're there for each other. There has been some previous drama with our oldest brother, but he's been there with the rest of us and it's amazing. I have missed him and I'm so glad it's the five of us again. There is nothing better than having a whole bunch of siblings to have your back. (and the truth is... we're awesome together, despite the issues and years)
I haven't been able to actually pick up the phone and talk to people yet. I just can't. I don't have it in me. So, if you're reading this and think I should have called you, please understand I'm doing the best I can. I can't talk yet. I don't want to talk. I can't hear myself say the words. (though apparently I can type some of them...) I don't want to have to actually say them. You're not the only one I haven't called, but hopefully you've heard from me in some form.
Me not calling you doesn't mean you're not important to me, or that I don't think you're a part of our family. I just need to figure things out first. It's my Daddy, and I just can't talk right now. If I contacted you on an alternate venue to let you know, don't take my lack of personal contact personal. I just can't do it right now. I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk yet. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. If I haven't contacted you yet, please don't take it personally. It in no way means you're less important to me. It only means I have nothing left at this point and will email, etc, as soon as I'm able. But I apologize in advance for not making you aware sooner.
We're all doing the best we can. I only ask for your understanding and good thoughts.
Behave!!