Sunday, June 15, 2014

I'm Doing All I Can...

There won't be a Feel Good Friday this week, because there's nothing to feel good about. (which is really not true because there are a few things, but...)
Right now, though, there is just suck.
My dad has cancer.
In his bladder and it's inoperable.
We have no prognosis or anything. It's a wait and see thing at the moment. We have to get him stronger so he can manage chemo. He may go to rehab this week, but we don't know when. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that we will fight this SOB Cancer with everything we have and we will kick its butt. Because, guess what, Cancer, you don't own us and we're bigger, stronger, and meaner than you will ever be! And there's more of us, no matter what you think! Stupid Cancer! You Suck!!
I am not processing well though, despite being determined. I don't know what to think, what to do, where to be...
My kids are not processing well either. They are each very interesting in how they attempt to take the information in. I see myself or their father and our coping mechanisms in each of them. They are all very freaked out. Pop Pop has always been a huge part of all of their lives. He was there for them when we lost That Man's dad. He's always, always, been there for them - to help them, teach them things, and hang out with them and make them laugh for their whole lives - just like he's been with me. They don't like this. I don't either.
Where am I supposed to be? I haven't arrived home until late all week because I've been at the hospital every night. I missed the last day of school joy. Twice. I've missed the kittens adjusting to their new home. I've missed my grandson. (though I did stay with him for a while last night. We jumped in puddles and did silly things. And I did get to talk to the younger K's for a few minutes, but not long enough and we didn't know anything last night.) I've spoken to my granddaughter on the phone, she's hysterical and so adorable, but we didn't get to have the ice cream date we hoped for. I've missed talking to my kids - especially the ones at home. The kid who now has his first car and so wanted to show it to me - only I didn't get home until well after he went to bed. And the girl who brought her beater truck home to be worked on in the hopes that it will be ready for when she gets her permit, but I was barely able to fully check the truck out so far. It's not fair to them, but how can I be in two places at once? I can't keep up with everything. I barely know my name right now. Yes, I have guilt. I know everyone is okay and fine. I was home for a little while today. We had a family meeting and were totally available for questions and conversation, but...
I had a lengthy conversation with my mom about it tonight, but I still have a crap ton of guilt. I have to be at my day job because I'm new and have no paid time off and can't afford to lose hours. Besides, Dad would kick my butt if I took unpaid time off of work. (which is one of the only things keeping me going) And I work a later shift now. And it sucks.
I need to be there for my mom. I know my uncle is in right now, but she still needs me to be there. I spent the night with her last night. Which was good in a lot of ways. But I feel like I should be there tonight - especially. Mom is an amazing person. She is one of the strongest people I know. I am proud to be her child. I'm also proud to be a part of this amazing family who has always been there for each other, no matter what. Even if we're being stupid silly in the face of bad news, we're there for each other. There has been some previous drama with our oldest brother, but he's been there with the rest of us and it's amazing. I have missed him and I'm so glad it's the five of us again. There is nothing better than having a whole bunch of siblings to have your back. (and the truth is... we're awesome together, despite the issues and years)
I haven't been able to actually pick up the phone and talk to people yet. I just can't. I don't have it in me. So, if you're reading this and think I should have called you, please understand I'm doing the best I can. I can't talk yet. I don't want to talk. I can't hear myself say the words. (though apparently I can type some of them...) I don't want to have to actually say them. You're not the only one I haven't called, but hopefully you've heard from me in some form.
Me not calling you doesn't mean you're not important to me, or that I don't think you're a part of our family. I just need to figure things out first. It's my Daddy, and I just can't talk right now. If I contacted you on an alternate venue to let you know, don't take my lack of personal contact personal. I just can't do it right now. I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk yet. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. If I haven't contacted you yet, please don't take it personally. It in no way means you're less important to me. It only means I have nothing left at this point and will email, etc, as soon as I'm able. But I apologize in advance for not making you aware sooner.
We're all doing the best we can. I only ask for your understanding and good thoughts.

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