Rest In Peace...

1. I just today found out that a very good friend's mother passed away. I feel bad I didn't know sooner. Knowing the mother's illnesses, I know she's at peace now. But I'm still sad for my friend.

2. The father of a different very good friend also passed away. He'd been battling cancer and while his tumors were shrinking, chemo was kicking his butt. They expected longer. He died very shortly after his 80th birthday. I have really great memories of hanging out with him. He was so like my own dad. His sense of humor was as dry and his intelligence was as high. We always had a blast - drinking Heineken, hanging out on the sun porch and talking about everything, laughing hysterically. We camped in their yard, climbed their trees, had awesome badminton games narrated in a British accent, the kids chased fish in the stream, we hiked through awesome scenery... We crammed a lot of fun into the two summers before they moved to a warmer climate.

3. K2's rat, Maggie, has gone to the big rat maze in the sky. (Actually, I guess you could say she was my rat.) She'd been doing very poorly. We think she may have had a stroke as she was having trouble moving and it seemed to affect one side of her body. She stopped eating, despite being given her favorite treats. She was having a hard time drinking, which meant me standing there to squeeze the water bottle so she would stay hydrated. Her bodily functions changed - that's really all you want to know about that. I thought she looked better yesterday. Her eyes seemed clearer and I thought she had some pink back in her tail. I was wrong. She was at what they say is maximum rat years, though I've heard of rats living much longer. Our experience with two different rats has been two years. Maggie turned two a month or so ago. And yeah, I know she was a rat, but I'm still really sad. She was my little buddy. I'll miss her.

I think that's enough of that...
Behave!

Super? Sunday....

I'm trying...
I want to watch the commercials, but admittedly, I have no stake in either team tonight. And so far, the commercials have not been all that great. Normally we are at a friend's house for at least part of this event. Even though none of those living in this house really have ever cared about the outcome. We go because we like our friends. Or we used to go until our friends got different lives. It kind of sucks because we always had a good time even if we didn't watch the game.
All of the K's are gone as of this moment. The younger K's are helping their brother unpack boxes. It's just me, That Man, and the demon puppy. The demon puppy is not really a demon puppy. She is crazy, wound up, and energetic, but not demon. She is so very gentle with Baby B and as soon as you say "ow" she backs up and looks at you like she knows she's offended you. Most of the time. She's still learning. And she's so stinking cute.
Behave!

Too Sad...

My sister's fiancee passed away unexpectedly Thursday night.
He was a very awesome guy - friendly, caring, a successful owner of two great businesses, a very smart man, a thinker, a genuine nice guy, a well-loved grandfather, and most of all - he loved my sister so much. So very much.
It is devastating.
They were due to get married in less than 2 weeks.
The first time I met him, I threatened him. I told him that if he broke my sister's heart that I would kick his ass in a way it had never been kicked before.
I think he did that to himself.
Because he did break her heart.
The cancer was under control. Then it wasn't. It happened so fast. A few weeks ago the docs said it had moved to his liver, but they were hopeful. They started him on a new treatment, but gave no signs of giving up - no signs of the fight being over.
The liver cancer was different than the other cancer - more aggressive and very very fast. His bad numbers doubled in a very short time frame. But no one was giving up hope yet. Chemo would start, things would be okay.
There was no hope to be had, though none of us knew it at the time.
He died in the blink of an eye. My sister, thinking he was stable and okay, left to take care of some errands seeing as she'd been at the hospital for days. She expected him to be home in the next few days. Things needed to be taken care of - wedding plans, moving into their newly built house.
Cancer sucks.
Behave.

Feel Good Friday...

Oh! It has it been a long week...
Let me try to put a positive spin on things...
1. Losing my day job on Tuesday. Surprise! No idea that was coming. Though That Man's first words were... "Thank God." He said he felt as if a weight had lifted from him when I called to tell him. I guess that speaks volumes about the stress I was under for a very long time. Now if I could just figure out how the mortgage is going to get paid, and how we're going to have Christmas.
2. Other than the money aspect, I should be feeling less stressed? I'll let you know when that happens.
3. Getting to see Baby B twice so far this week. He is so stinking cute and getting so big.
4. Vodka.
5. Still staying in the writing challenge.
6. K3 passing his driving test! Yay!! (On the same day I lost my job. He didn't find out about the job loss until Wednesday because I just couldn't harsh his buzz...)
Okay, yes. I was completely thrown off kilter and in total shock. I had no idea I would lose my job. I had no warning. It hurts a lot and it's going to take me a little time to recover. I was there for three years and did not see this coming. It sucks.
There are a lot of good things in my life, a lot of good things...I need to remember that. My identity wasn't wrapped up in my day job - as much as I loved my coworkers and customers. My identity is in this house with the people I love and the friends I rely on.
Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise?
I'll let you know once I figure it out... Like I said, I'm still in shock. It's mind blowing, really.
Behave!

I Don't Know...

If you noticed, but my buy link for The Shape of Love is gone.
That's because my awesome publisher, Draumr, has closed its doors. It's sad. I know.
I have my rights back for "Sheltered" and as of right now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the short. I love that story. It was a lot of fun to write and it was a lot of fun to be in the anthology with my awesome cohorts.
It's weird to think about this book being over. I guess it's really not, depending on what I decide to do.
I'm still thinking. I'll let you know once I decide.
Behave!

Oy! Monday!

What a day! And I don't mean that in a good way!
It's cold! Horribly cold and the wind is blowing. I know it's January, but like I always say, if it's going to be cold, it should be snowing! It did snow a little earlier. Definitely not enough, but it was pretty coming down.
And the furnace was dead this morning. Neither That Man or I had time to restart it, so the kids (who had off today) had to deal with a frigid house. They did fine. Luckily we have the little fireplace that does a good job of warming the downstairs. It really wasn't too cold when I got home, which is good.
We won't talk about the bulk of my day... It should be sufficient to say that when it was over, I was glad.
I got some crappy news and that sucked!
Still... there were good things!
Baby B stopped by to see his Nanners. Well, technically, not to see me since he barely opened his eyes. He slept pretty much the whole time he was here, but he got lots of kisses. He is so cute and perfect!
Easy dinners. Still had to cook (and go to the store), but it could have been worse. (I'm ignoring the things I should have bought, but forgot, which means I'm also ignoring the fact that I'll have to go back tomorrow and then go other places in the frigid freezing cold.)
The kids cleaning up. The guys had a meeting here tonight and even though the guys they were meeting with don't care and probably wouldn't have noticed, I was still very glad not to come home to what I saw when I left this morning.
Weekend recap:
The kid didn't get his permit, because the testing place was closed due to the holiday. Oy! We were both very disappointed and I had to soothe his pain with a trip to the fancy grocery store for loose tea. (His new thing) That Man is taking a half day to get the permit done this week. If he doesn't it'll be March because K3 can't go on the weekends now because of the play.
The rest of the day was shopping, cooking, laundry, writing, bill paying, a quick trip to see Baby B. I filled my truck for $23.96 - saving $88.00! Not my best, but close! Love it!
Saturday night was good and fun and so needed!
Sunday with K5 was also good and fun and perfect! She said to me: "Nanners, I love you. You are my best friend." And my heart melted. God, I love that kid.
I did need another day to recover from my weekend, but that wasn't going to happen. Thank goodness this Monday is over... Though the week ahead doesn't look like a fun and shiny one at this point...
Whatever!
Behave!

Feel Good Friday...

There isn't a lot of good to this week... I miss my puppy so much. Our house is sad and quiet. Her dishes are gone, so is her bed. Her "babies" are in the washing machine to be claimed by K3 & K4 as reminders of their best friend. The fire sirens went off a little while ago and that man and I looked at each other - someone's got to make sure the dog is in because she'll howl. But no. We don't. She won't be "singing" along with the sirens anymore.
So... in honor of our very special family member. Here is Feel Good Friday - Abbie Style...
1. Our Abbie was the Safety Dog. Any time the kids were doing something she thought was unsafe, she would freak out. Whether she barked, pestered me, or tried to block them... she was on duty. One time, we took her to the beach. She was upset that the older three were in the water splashing around. She wouldn't stop whining and bugging me. K4 decided she was ready to go into the ocean and as I picked K4 up to take her into the waves, Abbie knocked me down and stood between me and K4. She did not want her baby in the water.
2. When she was a puppy she used to crawl on top of the open dishwasher door. It was so, so cute.
3. She wasn't allowed on the couch. She was always on the couch when we weren't looking.
4. She could "high five", "speak", and "shake". When my sister got her dog we were forbidden to teach Nezzie how to shake.
5. When K5 first started walking, Abbie was terrified of her. She would back away while still assuming a submissive position. She never snarled or growled, but she was scared of this tiny walking thing...
6. Our yard isn't completely fenced in and until recently, we never had to worry about it. She never left. Occasionally she'd go down to visit That man's mother (who lives right behind us and has had her share of Abbie duty while we're away). A few times she'd go trash can diving because the garbage smelled too good too resist, but not often. Then she began wandering... (The vet said the toxins in her brain made her think weird things which is why we had to track her down lately)
7. She loved the creek and camping... Which is why we buried her in The Meadow. Any time she even thought we were going to either my sister's house or the creek, she was in the truck... waiting. And she wouldn't get out no matter what. She loved my sister's dog and my sister's family (they were here when we brought her home and she thought they were hers too.)
And... I can't do this anymore....
I miss her more than I can even say. She was my girl. She was my buddy and my friend....
Rest in Peace...
Behave...

Goodbye...

Today we had to say goodbye to our puppy, Abbie. She wasn't a puppy. She was going on 12, but she was my puppy - my baby.
She'd been declining pretty rapidly over the past month. The vet said her liver failed. She had a mass and her liver was no longer working. The toxins had built up in her poor body and she was suffering. She said they could give her fluids and let us take her home, but she felt that was cruel. Abbie was in pain.
I seriously hoped she had some kind of strange infection and that after a few antibiotics she'd be fine.
I was wrong. The vet said there was nothing we could have done differently, nothing we did wrong. It happens. She was old and there is no rhyme or reason for these kind of things.
I was with her when she died - holding her, sobbing into her soft black fur. The vet assured me she was ready and that she could tell by her eyes that she adored us.
The vet carried her to my truck, hugged me, and said no charge for the visit. I really love our vet, except... we now have no animals to take there anymore... (2 beloved pets in less than a month is a little much, don't you think?)
We brought her home and took her to her favorite place for burial. She's at The Meadow, watching over everything.
I will miss you, my sweet girl. So much.

Behave...

Missing My Friend...

Today would have been my friend's birthday.
She would be the same age as me.
I am sad.
I miss her.
I find myself stalking her still active Facebook page - reading the posts of people who miss her too. I look around my house and see the touches she's placed here, remember the kind gestures - like when we moved in here and she helped to get my kitchen in shape and how she and another friend threw me a baby shower for my fourth child and then brought us a full meal the day after we came home from the hospital, the gifts she gave - like the napkin basket I still use and probably will until it turns to dust. I already said I'm sad...but I am.
I think of her often and her family - her husband who was her bestest friend ever, and her three children who were her sun, moon, and stars. We recently saw them and while we had a great time hanging out, it was bittersweet - for them as for us.
I guess it will get easier. But I will never forget her.
Behave!

Strange Thursday

Weird day around here.
First, a car went through a very good friend's house this morning. She and her son are lucky to be alive. The damage to their home and their feelings of lost safety are intense. Yes, the weather was bad, but it's more likely the driver was drunk.
I cannot imagine waking up to find a vehicle just feet away from my bedroom wall. Or how I would feel to see the destroyed crib of my granddaughter under the tires (luckily her granddaughter wasn't there). The bathroom is gone and so is the kitchen. If the driver had hit a few feet over, her son might not have lived.
Second, a bare foot young woman dressed in white was running around inside of B's work this morning. She was dripping wet and obvioulsy under some kind of chemical influence. They found her hiding under one of the desks, begging to go home. When they pulled up the security cameras to figure out how she got inside the building, it went from her not being there in one frame to her being in the center of the warehouse in the next. The system records with a few seconds lag time, but she would have to be bionic to cross the distance in the short amount of time. They did all sorts of experiments this afternoon to see if they could reinact her appearance to no avail. 
One nearly tragic and frightening.
One sad and puzzling.
Both the stuff that makes you scratch your head and wonder why and how.
Behave!

Passings...

My friend lost her battle with cancer over the weekend. She died at home, in her husband's arms. Her suffering is no more and I am glad for that, but she left an enormous hole behind.
I don't think you can ever fill those holes again. Maybe you just get used to them, so they don't hurt as bad, but they're always there - the place where a piece of your heart was.
It seems so wrong that she should have to go away and I'm not sure I'll ever understand. I will miss her more than I can ever say.
Behave...

Monday...

I got some bad news yesterday.
One of my oldest friends is dying.
Just a few weeks ago her doctors were confident they could beat the cancer that started in her breast, even though they'd discovered a spot in her brain. Last week she found out it's moved into her bones and liver. There is no hope now.
She probably won't make it through the week.
I met her when we both worked at a local grocery store while in high school. She was a lot of fun and had this way about her that made you want to follow her, despite knowing you were probably going to get in trouble. We remained friends through the years, even after she gave me the absolute worst perm of my life. (I looked like Annie, I kid you not.) She was the kind of friend that it didn't matter if we hadn't seen each other for a day or two years, everything was the same. We could pick up the threads of our friendship with ease.
And then life happened. Her kids were involved with sports, so were mine, and they played for different teams. She started working, then I did. And we drifted apart. Instead of talking to her nearly every day, we went years without more than a Christmas card or an update passed through a mutual friend. It shouldn't have happened, but it did.
And now she'll be leaving.
B and I went to see her yesterday. It was hard. Really hard.
So, let me just say this:
If you have someone like that in your life, get in touch with them. Now. Don't wait until they're sick and dying. Don't wait until so long has passed that you have to be nervous about visiting. Let them know you still think about them. Make the time.
You won't be sorry.
I'm going to miss my friend.
Behave

Monday

The rainy weather was appropriate on this long day. We're back home - weary and exhausted. The outpouring of love and friendship we've witnessed over the past week or so has been amazing and our gratitude is undefinable.
And because we have had an immense amount of laughter as well, I will leave you with this: ... Behave!

Passings...

We lost a great man on Tuesday.
B's dad, aka Big Bill, drew his last breath while surrounded by his family. It's a sad time, but we've also been doing a lot of laughing as we remember some of the things that have happened over the years. The way my family behaves is not accidental, it's a result of a combined genetic effect from both parents. You could say we all get our weird sense of humor naturally.
Now, as we each deal with our grief in our own individual way, our home is full of family and support and the usual craziness. My b-i-l arrived in the pre-dawn hours despite me being so zonked that I didn't hear my phone (which was right above my head). Luckily, I had a back up plan in case that happened.
We're doing okay. Glad that he's at peace now and no longer suffering. I'm sure he has God and the angels in stitches with his sense of humor and storytelling. He will be missed, though.

Behave!

Sad...

....I was sad to hear about Patrick Swayze's death. I can watch Dirty Dancing or Ghost any day of the week and have a special place in my heart for Roadhouse (don't judge me).
May he rest in peace.
Behave.