I'm Always at a Week...

In between posts...
Let's see...
The rest of last week was normal - chaos. Working quite a bit of ot, editing, kid stuff...
The weekend - well... That Man's mom went into the hospital Friday. Severe bladder infection that affected her kidneys and blood. She's still there. Her pain level was through the roof all weekend. She couldn't move, eat, or most of the time even talk coherently and she couldn't stand to be touched. We were beyond worried. That Man's sister was out of town, so it was just us to handle it all.
She was finally able to sit up today, which is a relief, but she has a long road of strengthening ahead of her. This infection has really kicked the crap out of her. And still is - she has several more days in the hospital with antibiotics and physical therapy before they move her to rehab. But her being able to sit up is like prize winning!
I will tell you that going to that hospital to see her is really really hard. It brings back a lot of memories I don't want to relive. I'm doing what I have to do, and coping the best I can. Because what else am I going to do?
What else...
Elsa has gone into her "doggy cycle". No, she's not fixed yet. She was supposed to be by now, but when the kitty boys started peeing on everything, they had to go first. (Thankfully, fixing them stopped all of that - as we'd hoped) But this dog... OY... all she does is drip.. Yeah, you didn't need to know that. But it's gross and she's confused as to why she can't be on the couch or sleep in K4's bed right now. Poor thing. I feel bad for her and I do not want to go through this again. Yikes.
This weekend is Easter. We have predictably fun plans with family. It's also my writing meeting on Saturday, which is always good.
I'm afraid to guess what else will go on this weekend.
The other thing...The book I've been working on has to be trashed. It has to be completely rewritten, which breaks my heart and soul, but I can't send crap out there. I know it's the right thing to do, but it kills me. So I'm in the middle of a creative thinking process - thinking up new titles for my summer release and waiting for edits on that, and getting my head on straight, thinking...
Today was my one year anniversary at the day job. We had snacks. I won't get my review until next week, because the bigwigs are out this week. I still love my job a lot. It breaks me most days, but I think most people face that.
And I'm still trying to make it all work - fit everything in - feel like I'm being a good mom, good wife, parenting enough, grandparenting enough, writing enough, being a good daughter and sibling, cleaning enough, sleeping enough, eating right and exercising enough, I don't think I'm alone, but it's still daunting...
Cloning machine? I could use one!
Ha!
Behave!

Of Bad Customer Service...

Since, apparently, I am not allowed to post a review regarding my recent experiences on the website of the company I ordered the kid's Christmas presents from, you get my rant. No, I'm not going to name the company names, but I need to get this off of my chest.
I've told you most of the experience - a long wait to talk to a very nice woman at the post office who gave me all of the information I needed and advised me of what steps I would need to take to resolve the issue (She was very nice and so helpful), long distance phone calls to New York to speak to a disgruntled and uncaring post office manager who acted like I was the lowest common denominator, multiple emails to the overseas seller to advise them they shipped to the wrong address, only to have it argued by them, and finally speaking to the company whose website I placed the order on (after 30 minutes on hold) and feeling like things were going to be okay only to have them refund my money. They then told me to reorder my items, except now they're more expensive.
More emails - me asking why my money was refunded when I specifically asked for my order. The seller telling me I agreed to the refund. The company blaming the seller. The seller blaming the company. No resolution from either, except the company did offer me a coupon - only I couldn't use it to reorder the items. What?
So, I wrote a review. I didn't name call, I wasn't mean, I was honest and simply explained my experience.
My return email from the seller was that it was the companies fault, but that they were sorry my money was refunded when I only wanted my product. No apology for the initial screw up on their part where the goods I paid for were delivered free of charge to some dude in Brooklyn. And I spoke to the same customer service rep I had been emailing with from the beginning.
I received an email from the company telling me my review breached their policies and that they made the decision to refund my money because the items shipped from overseas and it would take a while to receive. But I could reorder if I still needed the items. What kind of sense does that make?
I let it sit for a little while as I gathered my thoughts. When I responded I was polite, but to the point. I asked how an honest review of my experience was against policy? (Noting that the other negative reviews posted by other people had been taken down) I told her they're lack of caring of my situation, their zero attempt to make things right, and their refusal to allow my review really proved that they cared more about their reputation and the reputation of their seller than their customers and that I would never be ordering from them again.
But, damn, I'm still mad.
Of course, they haven't responded. They probably won't. I don't care. I don't want anything from them. The only thing I did want was my product and good customer service. As a former customer service agent, I am appalled and angry. I would never treat my customers this way. Maybe that's what has me most upset. I was damned good at what I did. I worked hard to make sure each of my customers felt like they were my favorite and, for the most part, it was successful. (Ha! A little psyche eval there!)
Anyway.
>steps off soapbox<
/rant
Behave!
Updated to add: I just received a response to my email. It said nothing. They are sorry I was unhappy, but not sorry they didn't provide better service. Argh!

The Internet & Trolls...

Excuse me while I rant a little...
Since when does the fact that no one can see you or know your true identity on the web give you the right to act like a complete and total jerk? Does being safely hidden behind your keyboard really mean you can purposefully cut people down, make fun of them, say evil things, and insult people? Would you say those things to your family, friends, or a total stranger in person?
I've seen a lot of nasty things posted as "anonymous" lately. Hurtful, mean things that shouldn't, but do, have the power to really impact people in a negative way. A lot of the time, that is the impact. It's human nature to sometimes remember the bad stuff and forget the good - ignore the ones who love us and support us in favor of the people who make us feel like crap about ourselves. I'm not sure why we do that to ourselves, but we do and it's a hard place to get out of.
I guess your power as a troll is that - putting people down and living high on your obnoxious behavior. How do you sleep? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? I hope you can't.
I hope one day you realize what you've done...
Behave!
Sidenote - This isn't meant to be cryptic. It's regarding an incident that happened to a friend of mine's family and past events that one of my kids have dealt with.

Feel Good Friday...

Oh! It has it been a long week...
Let me try to put a positive spin on things...
1. Losing my day job on Tuesday. Surprise! No idea that was coming. Though That Man's first words were... "Thank God." He said he felt as if a weight had lifted from him when I called to tell him. I guess that speaks volumes about the stress I was under for a very long time. Now if I could just figure out how the mortgage is going to get paid, and how we're going to have Christmas.
2. Other than the money aspect, I should be feeling less stressed? I'll let you know when that happens.
3. Getting to see Baby B twice so far this week. He is so stinking cute and getting so big.
4. Vodka.
5. Still staying in the writing challenge.
6. K3 passing his driving test! Yay!! (On the same day I lost my job. He didn't find out about the job loss until Wednesday because I just couldn't harsh his buzz...)
Okay, yes. I was completely thrown off kilter and in total shock. I had no idea I would lose my job. I had no warning. It hurts a lot and it's going to take me a little time to recover. I was there for three years and did not see this coming. It sucks.
There are a lot of good things in my life, a lot of good things...I need to remember that. My identity wasn't wrapped up in my day job - as much as I loved my coworkers and customers. My identity is in this house with the people I love and the friends I rely on.
Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise?
I'll let you know once I figure it out... Like I said, I'm still in shock. It's mind blowing, really.
Behave!

Thursday... Really?

It's been a long week here...

Monday's contract signing was my highlight! (Still over the moon!!)

Since then....

1. K3 with a two and a half day migraine. Two days of school missed. Play practice missed. Poor kid.

2. Drama of the family kind. From internal to external to beyond... I don't think it ever ends...

3. The day job (still need a nickname for that). So busy and so much stuff...

4. It's so freaking cold! Why?

5. K3 turns 17 on Sunday! Really? I feel so very old!

6. Sister solidarity. If you ain't got that, you ain't got nothing! We take care of each other. That's what we do. Regardless.

7. That Man. I miss him. We need some serious "just us" time.

8. Tired!

That is all for now!

Tomorrow is Friday! Thank Goodness!!

Behave!!

Manic Monday

The house is a wreck and needs cleaned before I can even think about decorating.
I don't have a single thing purchased for Christmas.
This week is crazy and there will be no shopping time either.
I feel like this:
x Even Santa is upset. Yes, this is what I feel like. Only I'm not in a holiday dress. I am in my sweatpants and I haven't combed my hair. The holiday happiness meter is in the negative right now, despite showing an upward climb even yesterday.
Behave!

Done For Another Year...

Today was the local annual street fair. You know the one I mean, the same one I moan and complain about every single year. Because...I don't like it. It's too busy, too loud, too dirty...I hardly ever go down because I can't stand the crush of people and the heat. And don't even think about driving anywhere. It's impossible, plus, you run the risk of someone parking in your private spot while you're gone.
Though, there are good points to it. We usually end up with company - usually folks we only see this time every year, and invited guests. It is fun to hang out, eat some food, and watch people go by.
This year was a lot different.
K2's going on a big trip in a few weeks. It's an expensive trip and the kids have to help earn the money and since she's working away from home my niece and I volunteered to fill in for her. Which meant getting up at a stupid time and going to help set up, rushing home to make brownies for the bake sale, sending the kids down with various coolers and other items, and then going back down. I swear I walked 650 miles today.
We didn't invite anyone to come over and hang today, mainly because we had no idea what our timeframe was going to be. The 'rents came over for a little while and my sister came to pick up my niece. No stop ins, or unexpected guests though, which is fine since we're completely wiped out and now must spend the next several hours listening to the neighbors party. It's always like that. Always. Most people around here take tomorrow off to recover. And I will admit, we've had our share of parties and noise - like the time my brother-in-law's band played in the back yard.
It's nearly over now. All that's left is the noise and clean up. I'm exhausted and a little frazzled.
So how was your day?
Behave!

Why It Matters...

Today was my monthly RWA chapter meeting. I looked forward to it with a mixture of hope and dread. Hope because I love these people. They're my writing family. They get me (even if they think I'm weird, especially when I talk about mimes.). The dread was because I've been in crisis mode lately. Yes, again. Or maybe, still. Definitely still.
I've been analyzing the way I've felt and am feeling quite a bit the past few days and today really did help put things into perspective, though I'm still a little ways from being healed. Over the past few months, I've dealt with several major blows. Okay, a lot of them. And we're only talking career-wise, not the trauma and turmoil that's gone on in my house. I picture myself as a cockroach under the heel of a steel-toed work boot. Crushed. Or like a dragonfly and my wings have been pulled off. I work hard at my writing career because I want it so badly. I know I can maintain a long term career. I know I can be a full time author even with my hectic family life. And, like I said, I want it.
In my crushed state, I didn't/don't care. I don't write. I don't think about it, except with a grimness that scares the crap out of me. I even gave myself permission to quit, but the very thought filled me with a dark sickness that didn't leave until I decided that idea was ludicrous. Knowing I can't quit does help, but it doesn't propel me to the keyboard except to play the treasure hunting game I'm enamored with. I open the document, move my cursor to the right line and...stall. I re-read the short story I'm working on and get to the portion where I need to add more words and I stall. I wonder what the point is, why I try so hard, why I keep coming back to something that continuously beats me to a bloody emotional pulp.
We had a pep talk session at the meeting, because I'm not the only one struggling right now. I wrote down a few of the inspirational things said because despite knowing them and saying them on a regular basis I needed to remember them for myself. Then, I helped critique a friend's story and as I was going through her pages, I could feel that spark. It was dim and sad, but still there - shoved in the back behind my emotional baggage and the chaos of life. I'd like to say I grabbed that tiny flame and how my touch turned it into a roaring bon fire, but that would be a lie. But I at least reached for it. I want to hold it in my hands again and feel its pulse. I want to hear it breathing. I want it to lead me to purposeful writing time and the joy that brings.
After today, I remember why I do this. Because I love it. Because I have stories to tell. Because it's who I am at my core. And I know I won't quit. I'll stay a cockroach even if I occasionally get a face full of toxins or the business end of a well-placed heel, because after all, a cockroach can live through a nuclear blast and sometimes that's what this feels like to me.
And, while I'm not full of the joy quite yet, it's there enough for me to purposefully nurture. I have enough back to want to do something - to reclaim what's mine and move forward. I do know that it's something I will never give up, even if I never get that publishing contract or the career I envision. And that feels significant to me. (unless the mimes arrive)
I think I might just be okay.
Behave!

Thursday

What I'm thinking about today:
1. Our summer experiment: The compostable Sun Chips bag that is now tacked to the playhouse roof. We're seeing if it really decomposes as fast as they say.
2. Summer Survival Journal: Year Two will begin soon. Wait for it.
3. New 21-year olds are a pain in the butt.
4. Next week's terrible schedule. K2 graduates on Monday (sniff, sniff), B has to have knee surgery on Tuesday, the kids get out of school on Tuesday...and it goes on and on...
5. Flies: I hate them.
6. The grocery store: I hate that, too.
7. Leg cramps: last night I had such a horrible one that I now have a bruise on my calf. It still hurts, though it's getting better.
8. Coffee: I drank so much this morning that my stomach is angry with me.
9. My to do list: It's long and half of the stuff on there are things I don't want to do.
10. How high my grass is and when we'll have time to cut it. We might be bailing it if it grows too much longer.
That is all for now.
Behave!

More Snow

...There's more snow in the forecast. 2-5".
Which means that when I finally get to the grocery store for the required items needed for dinner, it will be packed with the bread, milk, and toilet paper crowd. Again. I really wish we lived where people didn't freak out about a little snow.
And I have to wonder what these people are thinking. I used to think it was a local thing - you know, a secret only people who have lived here their whole lives know. B has lived here his whole life and he doesn't get it either. Unless there's some kind of secret "Toast and toilet paper club". I don't know. I understand the allure of not wanting to need anything when it's snowing. Not having to go out. Wanting to snuggle up and watch the flakes fall...with your 48-pack of toilet paper, 62 loaves of bread, and 70 gallons of milk?
I know some people don't like to drive in the snow and I respect that. Though I'm the opposite. I just don't get the toilet paper thing. Or the bread thing. Why should you need more during a storm? The only thing I can think of is this...Bread = toast, which many people like with hot chocolate. Many people also make their hot chocolate with milk. And that much toast and hot chocolate makes you poop more?
I don't know. Does it?
Sorry I missed the weekend! Hope you had a grand V-Day with your loved ones. We don't celebrate here and that's not because my husband isn't romantic. He is. Very. But neither of us think you need a special day for that. We're such rebels, we refuse to acknowledge it! Ha! In fact, we spent yesterday hanging with the family at my brother's and watching Nascar.
Now...I'm off to stock up on bread, milk, and toilet paper.
Behave!

Thursday Things

Things I am tired of:
1. Someone chewing the end off all of my mechanical pencils. Stop doing that. Erasers aren't food. I kid you not, I threw six totally destroyed pencils away this morning. This is why I hide mine.
2. The cold. If it's not snowing, it should be warm. Bring on the snow!
3. Always being out of milk. Why?
4. Adding to number three...frequent trips to the grocery store.
5. Not sleeping well. I thought finishing the book would help, but it hasn't. I can't fall asleep. I can't stay asleep. And this morning we overslept because apparently I turned my alarm off instead of hitting snooze.
6. Laundry. It never ends and I don't even do the older two's dirties.
Okay. That's enough rant. Tomorrow's Friday!
Behave!

Thursday Again?

A little rant.
I am so tired of hearing/seeing/being subjected to commercial after commercial that depicts what the perfect holiday should look like. So, if my husband can't buy me diamonds then he doesn't love me? I'm a jerk if I can't buy my kids the best toys and games? I'm lame if I can't/don't decorate every corner of my house to perfection?
It's no wonder so many people get depressed over the holidays. There's so much pressure to be perfect, to buy big. Our Christmas spirit is measured in material goods and how much we can spend. Our kids will suffer if we don't go into deep debt to make sure they get everything they want Christmas morning? Her husband must love her more than mine loves me because he bought her a brand new car for Christmas?
What a bunch of bunk.
It is what it is, folks. You do the best you can with what you have and make your memories without a credit card. No one cares how much you can spend. You show up with a smile on your face and love in your heart...well, that's what it's all about. It's so easy to get caught up in what society wants us to believe, but somewhere deep inside you know that's not true. All of that stuff doesn't replace the special people in our lives - the one's we'd give anything for. Those people don't want you to spend your grocery money to buy them stuff they don't want or need.
/rant.
Behave!