Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Still Processing....

Every day it's something different....
Dad has had some stomach issues - not sure if it's the same bug that has seem to hit most of the family, or something else, but he's feeling better now.
There's been a few episodes of AFib - where his heart stops for a few seconds and then starts again. We think that's been going on for a little while and is only noticed now because his heart is being monitored. New meds have been ordered. He may have a pacemaker in his future.
He had a bone scan today. The results were that he has some lesions in a few spots. I did some research and while it could be related to his spinal stenosis that he's had, it could be other things too. We were told that they just don't know for sure, but our follow up is with the oncologist. He has blood work in the morning. Then he moves to a rehab facility for strengthening.
All I know is that my siblings and I are pissed. We want answers. We don't want to have to wait another two weeks for them. It's ridiculous that we're on this information finding quest when it's quite clear that the doctor's already know. Just freaking tell us already! And way to make the consult appointment on the most inconvenient day. No one can take off on July 3rd at this point unless they have seniority! Way to screw 90% of the family!! (yes, I'm angry... for many reasons!)
It's been another long week. And it's only Wednesday.
And I still have to do what I have to do...
Yesterday K4 had an orthodontist consult. She needs braces and oral surgery. We have another appointment in a month to do xrays, scans, and write another huge check...blah blah blah. And then the next month we hear the treatment plan and how much it will cost. Whatever. We'll do whatever we have to do for her. But oy!
I'm trying really hard to write. I have less than two weeks to turn this book in and I'm close, but not close enough. I have been working as much as I can, but my "as much as I can" is not good enough in my mind. I will be putting the hammer down over the next few days, because I will meet this deadline!
Our kitty boys are getting big! Not too much bigger, but they're putting on weight, which is good. And they now have free reign over the downstairs while we're in bed now. Noisy! They love the stairs! Elsa is so good with them. She loves them and they don't want to play with her yet.
Elsa got herself in trouble by leaving the yard today. Note - the reason she left the yard is because no one was watching her! Some people forget she is still a puppy and not Abbie. We've taken care of that knowledge, but Elsa is walking around here full of guilt. How weird is that? I wasn't even home when it happened and she's still sucking up to me...
And tomorrow is our town's huge street fair. I have to leave when it's just getting started and will be home during the thick of traffic... OY! I hate it! Next year I will take off to be here just so I don't have to leave! But suck! What a pain!
At this time last year, we were saying goodbye to That Man's brother and family. We'd had a successful and awesome bridal shower for K2 and were gearing up for the wedding.
This year sucks so far. Though we are looking forward to some things...
Everything is just up in the air...

Sunday, June 15, 2014

I'm Doing All I Can...

There won't be a Feel Good Friday this week, because there's nothing to feel good about. (which is really not true because there are a few things, but...)
Right now, though, there is just suck.
My dad has cancer.
In his bladder and it's inoperable.
We have no prognosis or anything. It's a wait and see thing at the moment. We have to get him stronger so he can manage chemo. He may go to rehab this week, but we don't know when. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that we will fight this SOB Cancer with everything we have and we will kick its butt. Because, guess what, Cancer, you don't own us and we're bigger, stronger, and meaner than you will ever be! And there's more of us, no matter what you think! Stupid Cancer! You Suck!!
I am not processing well though, despite being determined. I don't know what to think, what to do, where to be...
My kids are not processing well either. They are each very interesting in how they attempt to take the information in. I see myself or their father and our coping mechanisms in each of them. They are all very freaked out. Pop Pop has always been a huge part of all of their lives. He was there for them when we lost That Man's dad. He's always, always, been there for them - to help them, teach them things, and hang out with them and make them laugh for their whole lives - just like he's been with me. They don't like this. I don't either.
Where am I supposed to be? I haven't arrived home until late all week because I've been at the hospital every night. I missed the last day of school joy. Twice. I've missed the kittens adjusting to their new home. I've missed my grandson. (though I did stay with him for a while last night. We jumped in puddles and did silly things. And I did get to talk to the younger K's for a few minutes, but not long enough and we didn't know anything last night.) I've spoken to my granddaughter on the phone, she's hysterical and so adorable, but we didn't get to have the ice cream date we hoped for. I've missed talking to my kids - especially the ones at home. The kid who now has his first car and so wanted to show it to me - only I didn't get home until well after he went to bed. And the girl who brought her beater truck home to be worked on in the hopes that it will be ready for when she gets her permit, but I was barely able to fully check the truck out so far. It's not fair to them, but how can I be in two places at once? I can't keep up with everything. I barely know my name right now. Yes, I have guilt. I know everyone is okay and fine. I was home for a little while today. We had a family meeting and were totally available for questions and conversation, but...
I had a lengthy conversation with my mom about it tonight, but I still have a crap ton of guilt. I have to be at my day job because I'm new and have no paid time off and can't afford to lose hours. Besides, Dad would kick my butt if I took unpaid time off of work. (which is one of the only things keeping me going) And I work a later shift now. And it sucks.
I need to be there for my mom. I know my uncle is in right now, but she still needs me to be there. I spent the night with her last night. Which was good in a lot of ways. But I feel like I should be there tonight - especially. Mom is an amazing person. She is one of the strongest people I know. I am proud to be her child. I'm also proud to be a part of this amazing family who has always been there for each other, no matter what. Even if we're being stupid silly in the face of bad news, we're there for each other. There has been some previous drama with our oldest brother, but he's been there with the rest of us and it's amazing. I have missed him and I'm so glad it's the five of us again. There is nothing better than having a whole bunch of siblings to have your back. (and the truth is... we're awesome together, despite the issues and years)
I haven't been able to actually pick up the phone and talk to people yet. I just can't. I don't have it in me. So, if you're reading this and think I should have called you, please understand I'm doing the best I can. I can't talk yet. I don't want to talk. I can't hear myself say the words. (though apparently I can type some of them...) I don't want to have to actually say them. You're not the only one I haven't called, but hopefully you've heard from me in some form.
Me not calling you doesn't mean you're not important to me, or that I don't think you're a part of our family. I just need to figure things out first. It's my Daddy, and I just can't talk right now. If I contacted you on an alternate venue to let you know, don't take my lack of personal contact personal. I just can't do it right now. I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk yet. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. If I haven't contacted you yet, please don't take it personally. It in no way means you're less important to me. It only means I have nothing left at this point and will email, etc, as soon as I'm able. But I apologize in advance for not making you aware sooner.
We're all doing the best we can. I only ask for your understanding and good thoughts.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

It's Tuesday Again...

All I can say is there's a lot going on around here...
I can't really tell you what's going on with my dad because we don't know for sure yet. He's currently in the hospital after a really rough weekend. (We'll talk about that another time) No diagnosis yet. Lots of speculation, but no definitive answer. My family is managing as best as we can - trying to get a handle on things, being there for each other, and dealing with this in our own unique ways. I know it's vague, but I just can't talk about it yet. I don't want to. I can't deal with the result of that because I'm still processing myself and there is no way I could reassure anyone else things are going to be okay or tell you if we need help or if there's anything anyone can do when I don't know myself and am dealing with my own emotions and trying to make sure all my family and siblings are okay.
We've been through this before with That Man's parents. People want to help, because that's their way of coping, too, but the biggest lesson I learned there was that the best help came from those who didn't ask. It came from the people who just did without expectation or recognition - the ones who just showed up and did what was needed, or just sat with us. That was the best thing, because we never had to ask or reassure or say the words when we couldn't. It's a skill I strive to have, but don't yet. Maybe I will after this.
Part two of the chaos is that before all of this went down with Dad, we said we'd take a kitten from a lady I work with. I was surprised That Man agreed, because he frequently complains about the litter box and cat barf that happens on occasion. But he said yes and I was excited. We committed to a kitten, thinking we would get it that same weekend. Then we found out the kittens were three hours away. K3 knew, but K4 didn't. So, it was set up almost 2 weeks ago that tonight we would go visit the kittens and chose one (the woman who had the kittens brought them down so we could choose, but we couldn't go over until I left the hospital and my work friend got home from her thing). We'd said we thought we wanted the little tiger female, but there were two adorable gray and white males, too, so we figured we'd decide which one when we got there. (which wasn't until almost 10pm) (and the little tiger female had gotten in a scuffle with two dogs and wasn't feeling well, so was left to rest three hours away)
Long story short, we came home with the boys. Both of them. They are so very cute. One is named Charles. The other has no name yet. K4 squealed and almost cried when we brought them home. K3, even though he knew, was stunned by the cuteness.
So now we have two kittens, a puppy, (who has been very gentle so far) and an adult and very pissed off cat. (She hates the kittens. She hates the puppy) But we are even with males and female in this house again, which has to be good.
The other good thing is that at this moment, it looks like both K's have passed their grades. K3 has to do summer school to make up deficient credits, but as of right now K4 is good. What a school year! K3 is done. K4 has 1.5 days left.
I will try to update when I can. No promises. I apologize in advance for the silence.

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

Okay... So Now It's Tuesday....

Sorry. Time is definitely passing too fast these days.
The weekend was good. Busy.Saturday was a bunch of errands and stuffs... Sunday we hosted a surprise 25th birthday party for K1. J took care of most of the details, but I did have to clean up the massive amount of dog hair in my house. It was good. K1 was surprised and we had a good time hanging out, even though the 'rents couldn't make it over. Towards the end of the evening, we got a call from my mom that my dad was on the floor. My brother, sister-in-law, and I went to help. (It's very good we live less than 5 miles from them.) We got him up and taken care of. Monday was to be his procedure, but the amount of pain he was in has set us on this journey of many tests and scans and such.
We're still waiting for answers. Doing the best we can to be there and help. Waiting for answers.
School is almost out. That's a good thing as long as things end up like they should. Summer school is a definite for K3 as he started his school credit deficient.
Getting used to my schedule has been hard. I'm exhausted and feel like I can't keep up. I am keeping up with my writing groups 50/50 challenge, but barely. I refuse to give in at this point. We have less than a week left. There is a lot going on around here, but I will prevail.
I think that's all I have...