Thursday, May 17, 2018


Sorry for the silence...

It's crazy time around here.

The day job is insane. I come home truly broken each night.

In fact, this is the first time I've turned on my computer since Friday. That's sucky and bad. And yes, it means I have not written. Boo.

It's been chaos here. For many, many reasons...

K4's final show is coming up quick. There are crazy rehearsals going on. She hasn't decided if she wants us to come or not. She says it's going to be bad and she doesn't want us there. We're just waiting, but we'll probably go regardless of what she says.

Graduation is in like 3 weeks! Wow. My last kid. Graduating. Weird.

Working on graduation present - already know what it's going to be. Excited to give it to her.

College - Well, she was accepted, but she's on the waiting list. She might not be in this year, and she might be. We'll see. So exciting though. We have to fill out a form and she has to get drug tested and then they'll let her know when she's in - they even said it could be the day of first classes. So we'll see... But wow!

I should be on retreat right now!

I'm so super bummed. It could have worked out, but it didn't. I should, right now, be sitting on a bunch of good words, sleeping in a super comfy queen-sized bed, having someone cook every meal for me, and looking forward to more stellar writing days. I should be enjoying my time away from the homestead and just being able to be an author.

I cannot tell you how sad I am...

I don't know if you will hear from me tomorrow night or not... Tomorrow is my momma's birthday. Tomorrow is the anniversary of her services. This past week or so has been rough, and it always will be. I miss my momma beyond words.

Mother's Day was super rough. It was the anniversary of my momma's death. And couple that with That Mom dying just two weeks prior. I cried on That Man. I tried to stay away from people, though K3 came over. We played a game and he helped That Man make dinner. It was nice. Actually, Those Kids did make it nice. It's just my stuff that got in my own way.

That's all I have...


Friday, May 11, 2018

Feel Good Friday...

Made it through the week! Oy! And it was a long one.

There is some good stuff, so let's focus on that...

1. Friday!
Though I had to leave work and get K4 home due to a migraine. The upside of that is that a piece of mail I was waiting for arrived just as I was leaving to head back into work.

2. Taking care of some estate stuff. Still have to finish it up tomorrow, but I made a good start.

3. Ordering food for dinner. No cooking. No clean up. And it was good.

4. Household administration duties - at least the paperwork kind - are taken care of.

5. Sleeping in tomorrow. At least a little.

6. That Man and his siblings getting to be together last night. We had a great meal. K1 did the dishes. Boxes were gone through, memories shared. The Brother went back home today, but I'm glad for the time the siblings got to spend together.

7. Hanging with That Man tonight. Our house is pretty quiet tonight. We're watching murder tv and talking about our weeks. It's been a long couple of weeks around here. This is actually the first time we've had to chill and reconnect. It's good.

That is all.


Tuesday, May 08, 2018

Finally Through All of the Details...

Well, for the most part.

There are things to go through and finances to settle, but they'll get done in time.

The services were beautiful. Our funeral home is amazing and provide a level of care I have never experienced before. They did when my folks passed away and they met & exceeded our expectations once again.

That Man and his siblings spoke a beautiful tribute to their momma. My brother-in-law spoke and sang. Our girls spoke. In fact, we had so much sharing that the Pastor's portion had to be shortened greatly.

After the service, we had a reception at a local place associated with the funeral home. The food was good. The service exceptional. The fellowship even more exceptional.

The weekend was taking care of house stuff and trying to rest. We started putting up my Jeep shelter and made a feast of tacos. That Brother hung out here most of the day. On Sunday, I stayed in bed until noon and stayed in my jammies until it was time to go to That Sister's. That was a nice visit - just the siblings. We ate, laughed, talked, and watched stupid television.

Then, we had to wait the weekend until we could have the small service at the military cemetery. That was yesterday and was poignant. We kept it to immediate family - mainly because of people's work schedules and asking them to take more time off of work felt rude and because by that point, we were all done in.

Today was back to work. It was a rough day - mainly because we're exhausted and for me, because my work wasn't attended to while I was away and I'm buried. It wasn't intentional, it's just super busy and we were short three people, so there's that.

I had to drop out of the 50/50 challenge when That Mom started failing and we spent the weekend with her. I've barely opened my computer since mid-last week. I'll get back to it this week.

But I'm going to bed now. I have no concentration left at all.


Wednesday, May 02, 2018


This week is dragging. The work day went so slow, regardless of the fact that I'm super busy. That Man texted me to say the same thing and I couldn't believe I'd only been at work for an hour. It felt like I'd worked all day already.

That Man took care of his clothing. I grabbed a shirt the other day. I need to take K4 out to get something decent to wear. We are still working on pictures. Everything I think we're good, someone sends me more. That's fine, but at some point, I'm going to have to stop accepting them so we can get to work.

We're exhausted. That Man more than me, probably because he's gotten even less sleep. I don't see that changing any time soon.

That is all...


Tuesday, May 01, 2018


Yesterday was the funeral planning.

I ended up taking off work to go with them. I couldn't leave them alone to take care of things when I had insight and there was no way I could leave my husband. We were there for four hours. Not because we had a lot of planning to do, but because we couldn't stop talking. Our pastor is amazing and provides the best comic relief. And while we were disappointed that our Funeral Bob wasn't taking care of us (it was his day off and he was booked with personal stuff), his replacement did an amazing job, which just speaks to the level of care they provide.

We did have to make some decisions. Like food, and an urn, and the programs. She took care of the financials and her final wishes, but did leave some things up to us. I think we did a pretty good job figuring stuff out. I'm glad I was there. Not that they couldn't have figured it out themselves, but there was some reliance on me since I've done this twice before. I didn't mind at all and I was grateful to be there with them through this.

We chose a simple wooden box. I wrote a poem, but don't think it's good enough to put on the programs. We actually found a poem in her room that I sent in to the funeral home for that.

Also, we discovered that they have tiny urns. That was a bonus since her ashes will be buried with their dad. I wish we would have realized that for our parents, but it's all good. That Man and his sister each got one. Their brother wasn't about that, which is fine. Some people feel weird about ashes. I feel weird about the fingerprint stuff.

We won't be having a viewing. She felt very strongly about no one looking at her when she's dead. I understand that completely. She's being cremated, so we'll have her ashes there. It's going to be a long day.

We went to lunch after, which was a good sharing time for both That Man and That Sister.

There is still so much to do. Picture boards. Clothing. Scheduling That Brother. He comes in soon and we have family obligations to attend, host, and manage. I'm back to work and it's brutal. So far behind and so much stuff to do there.

I'm not able to go to the mini retreat my writing chapter is hosting. That sucks, but I have to do what I have to do. I was really looking forward to it, too.

That is all...


Sunday, April 29, 2018

Rest in Peace

My wonderful mother-in-law passed away last night.

Yes, she really was wonderful.
I couldn't love her more if she were my own mom and that's saying something. She's been there for us and me since the day I met her. She was gracious, kind, giving, and had the heart and soul of an absolute angel. Though, if she was mad, she didn't hesitate to tell you off or give you a hard time about whatever transgression you committed. She was one of the strongest women I have ever known. Her faith was enormous. Her love for her family and my family was also enormous. She included my siblings as her own from the day she met them, then stated that when our parents died and was always happy to see them. Our relationship was always easy and accepting.

On Wednesday, we thought she was okay. She was smiling, eating, and interacting normally. Yeah, she was tired, but she was 81 and was fighting the nonsense her body had thrown at her. She and K4 had a great visit. We had talked about Hospice on Tuesday when she wasn't doing well, but nixed the thought. Thursday was a different story, however. That Man stayed with her until late when his sister arrived to stay overnight with her. By Friday morning when he went in to be with her, the Hospice decision was reversed. Her lab work showed that her kidneys had failed, which explained why the fluid was not leaving her body. She went downhill pretty fast. I left work early to go and we sat by her side until the wee hours when That Man sent me home to sleep.

I got up early (after getting just a few hours of sleep due to the massive amounts of coffee I'd consumed and the lateness of the bed crawling), grabbed breakfast for That Man and his sister, and went in. She'd had a rough night, but she was still hanging in there.

Saturday was absolutely brutal. Neither That Man or his sister slept. We went through the entire list of emotions, sometimes more than once. It was rough at times. There was a ton of crying. There was a ton of laughter and memories. She was out of it the entire time, though we know she could hear us, so we kept the conversation involving her and didn't let her hear any of the not-so-nice emotions.

It was late. That Man had decided to go to his car to try to sleep. His sister finally fell asleep in the chair. The plan was for them to sleep for a few hours with me on duty and then I would go home after they were properly rested. My sister and b-i-l were there and had dozed off, too. I was sitting by her side and noticed her breathing had changed. My b-i-l had moved and was sitting across from me, also watching. We looked at each other and I nodded for him to wake the sister. I texted That Man to get inside. That Man walked in the door as she took her last breath. I would have gotten them sooner, but I really thought there would be just a little more time. Though I had a feeling she wasn't going to go until neither of them were standing over her. That's what my dad did.

She was so loved by everyone in her home. Staff stopped by constantly to check on her and say their goodbyes when they ended their shifts. Residents stopped by to ask how she was doing or stopped us in the hall to check in. One woman said she was sure Mom was put there to help her and said how grateful she was for her. And that was a staff member. Another staff member came in to sing to her. They all left crying.

If was both comforting and heartbreaking to be a part of. Later, I'll tell you about some of the things we experienced with her during her final days, but not now.

One of the things I'll forever be grateful for is my sister and brother-in-law giving up almost their entire weekend to be with us and support us. It still amazes me. We, in no way, expected it. My brother-in-law held her hand and sang to her. My sister held her hand and talked to her. They brought me diet coke. They brought laughter and music and comfort for the three of us that were on duty. They provided comic relief and a shoulder when we needed one. They helped entertain the grandchildren when K2 & J came. They communicated with staff members that are friends of ours when we couldn't.

I also have to shout out to my other sister and sister-in-law. They checked in with me during the whole process, too. It just solidifies the known truth that I have the best siblings in the whole world.

Also, the way the staff took care of us during the whole process was amazing. We had a cart of drinks and snacks always ready and they were quick to fill our coffee pot and water pitcher whenever we needed. I think I only had to ask for a refill once and that was Saturday morning because our coffee went super quick. They checked on us often and were quick with hugs and kind words when things became too much and we broke down.

We spent today notifying family and friends. (The only people we called last night were the kids since it was so late.) And sleeping. And cleaning out her room. Very good friends brought us dinner tonight, which was awesome. The most I've managed today, besides cleaning out her room and the phone calls, is necessary laundry. Exhaustion is real. The kids are managing. K1 & J have checked in with us often to make sure we're okay, and made us an amazing breakfast and cleaned up. K3 was here pretty much all day and went with us for the room clean up. I talked to K2 for over an hour. K4 stayed up until dawn and has slept most of the day. She did emerge for food and hugs a little while ago. These kids are amazing and we are so blessed by them.

Tomorrow That Man and his sister go to the funeral home to finish the planning. She had already planned and paid for her funeral, which is amazing and such a relief. There is pretty much nothing that she didn't put in her plan. Arrangements are covered. After reception is covered. All of the details are spelled out. The only thing they have to do tomorrow is write the obituary and settle on date and time and the finer details. That Brother will be here Thursday, so...

It sucks. That's all I can say.


Tuesday, April 24, 2018


I have nothing clever for the title...

It's been a super rough day.

The day job is super insane. To the tune of me having approximately three times more work than normal. I tore it up and got almost caught up, but not as caught up as I need to be. I'm mentally exhausted.

That Mom is not doing well again. She's in congestive heart failure again. She's exhausted, short of breath, and scared. We went as soon as we got home and stayed until we had to use the employee exit to leave. They are starting her on meds to help drain the fluid from around her heart and we hope that helps a lot. Her knees continue to be infected despite the heavy duty antibiotic they have her on. We think she may be resistant to it. She has wonderful caregivers though. They really care about her and are on top of her care. That's a good thing.

I'm mentally exhausted as well. I can't even.

I am writing though, and I'm off to do that now!