That was a longer break than intended... But it was much needed.
But here I am! I can't promise I'll be on the regular. There's a lot of craziness and really unexpected stuff going on around here, but I'll try.
Mother's Day is coming.
I miss my mom. A lot. It always gets rough now since this is the time of year she died. It's especially rough this year, without a doubt. We had a fabulous, and surprise - for once in our lives - birthday party for her, and then a lovely Mother's Day together, and then she went to the hospital and never came home. I know I probably tell that story every year. And I probably always will. It was the worst and I often think about how I could have made things different. In a lot of ways.
I also miss my child who I haven't talked to in quiet some time. And I wish I could tell them how much I love them and miss their presence. How I miss their sense of humor, their elegant and sometimes messy but always fun, chaos, their wisdom, and their opinion. I miss the way we could talk things through and how their refreshing perspective brightened every single thing. How we could respectfully debate life and understand each others stance without anger or judgement and come away with some different perspective that made me think. Also, how much everyone in this family misses them, despite the angry words thrown. I wish they knew how I think about them all of the time and how I wish things were different. How I lay awake at night and wish them peace, joy, and happiness. Like my mom, there are so many things I would love to share with them. But I can't. And how, no questions asked, I would welcome them with open arms and an open heart if they ever decided they wanted to. I currently have no way to say that to them though. So I will wait and hope and wish them happiness.
I know that's heavy, but it is what it is. Life happens like that sometimes. It's happened in my past with my brother. It was so confusing and painful, and still is in a lot of ways. The way it broke our parents was awful and I feel that now in a way I cannot describe. My heart also broke for everything he missed, everything all of us missed, especially when he realized all that was needed was communication and all of those years being angry were wasted. But our parents died before those fences could be mended, and afterwards he tried to be the brother he wasn't for far too long, but it was too late. We had learned to live without him and live life without him. And then he died. And now because of estates and property, I cannot have the relationship with my sister-in-law that started the whole thing. And I miss that.
So yeah... I guess you might be sorry I came back with all of this deep stuff. I'll try not to be such a downer in the future, but no guarantees. Life is heavy right now.
Behave!
