Dear...

Dear Neighbors,
You like that nice shoveled spot you parked your car in? You're freaking welcome! And my aching back says you're welcome, too, only not that nice! My aching back says shovel your own damned parking spot, and you can shovel your own front sidewalk next time it snows, too, because we did that to be nice. My aching back also wants to know why you didn't shovel today while you were home tromping around in your backyard with your unshoveled walk? My aching back does not care that you didn't shovel the back walk. That's your business, but you don't park in the spot someone spent hours shoveling, especially when you don't even normally park there.
It's so rude and is not good for neighborly relations!

Dear Snow,
Thanks, but next time can you hit us with a little more? I'd appreciate that, even though I'll have to shovel again. (Not shoveling the rude neighbor's walk again though). My specific request would be for snow to start Friday morning (early enough that everyone has to go home early) and continue to snow through Sunday night. Enough that a state of emergency is called for Monday and no one has to go to work. And give me a little warning so I don't have to go to the store with the rest of the crazies.
Thanks.

Dear Children,
I know I am your mother and I'm supposed to be some kind of robot or something, but I do like to listen to all different kinds of music. Some of it has swearing in it. Get over it. I am an adult and that is why they make headphones and why I use them. Yes, I like a lot of the same music you do and many times I know the words better than you. And I know songs with swear words in them. I like it. Hell, I like to swear, too. That is because I am not a robot. I am a person. Yes, I will always be your mother, but I have interests and likes that are separate from my identity as your mom.
You will get over it and deal with it when you have children.
That is not a curse, it's a promise.

Dear Washer & Dryer,
Why you gotta be broken again? Why can't you wash my clothes without spewing water all over the floor, and then dry them within a reasonable amount of time? Why do I have to put up with my dining room looking like laundry central? There are actual clotheslines in my dining room and the laundry never ever ends!
I am in huge dislike of this situation.
It must end immediately!

Dear Eyes,
What the heck is with you? First, we had the cornea scratch. Then, the bite that wasn't really on my eye, but affected it anyway. I know you're bad an in need of a competent exam and I know you're not what you used to be and are stressed by my dual occupations spent staring at a computer screen for hours and hours and hours, but why the twitch?
Yeah, I'll see if you go away when I cut out caffeine (*sobs*). Then, I'll see if you go away when I get this project finished.
But...please, just go away!

Behave!