My wonderful mother-in-law passed away last night.
Yes, she really was wonderful.
I couldn't love her more if she were my own mom and that's saying something. She's been there for us and me since the day I met her. She was gracious, kind, giving, and had the heart and soul of an absolute angel. Though, if she was mad, she didn't hesitate to tell you off or give you a hard time about whatever transgression you committed. She was one of the strongest women I have ever known. Her faith was enormous. Her love for her family and my family was also enormous. She included my siblings as her own from the day she met them, then stated that when our parents died and was always happy to see them. Our relationship was always easy and accepting.
On Wednesday, we thought she was okay. She was smiling, eating, and interacting normally. Yeah, she was tired, but she was 81 and was fighting the nonsense her body had thrown at her. She and K4 had a great visit. We had talked about Hospice on Tuesday when she wasn't doing well, but nixed the thought. Thursday was a different story, however. That Man stayed with her until late when his sister arrived to stay overnight with her. By Friday morning when he went in to be with her, the Hospice decision was reversed. Her lab work showed that her kidneys had failed, which explained why the fluid was not leaving her body. She went downhill pretty fast. I left work early to go and we sat by her side until the wee hours when That Man sent me home to sleep.
I got up early (after getting just a few hours of sleep due to the massive amounts of coffee I'd consumed and the lateness of the bed crawling), grabbed breakfast for That Man and his sister, and went in. She'd had a rough night, but she was still hanging in there.
Saturday was absolutely brutal. Neither That Man or his sister slept. We went through the entire list of emotions, sometimes more than once. It was rough at times. There was a ton of crying. There was a ton of laughter and memories. She was out of it the entire time, though we know she could hear us, so we kept the conversation involving her and didn't let her hear any of the not-so-nice emotions.
It was late. That Man had decided to go to his car to try to sleep. His sister finally fell asleep in the chair. The plan was for them to sleep for a few hours with me on duty and then I would go home after they were properly rested. My sister and b-i-l were there and had dozed off, too. I was sitting by her side and noticed her breathing had changed. My b-i-l had moved and was sitting across from me, also watching. We looked at each other and I nodded for him to wake the sister. I texted That Man to get inside. That Man walked in the door as she took her last breath. I would have gotten them sooner, but I really thought there would be just a little more time. Though I had a feeling she wasn't going to go until neither of them were standing over her. That's what my dad did.
She was so loved by everyone in her home. Staff stopped by constantly to check on her and say their goodbyes when they ended their shifts. Residents stopped by to ask how she was doing or stopped us in the hall to check in. One woman said she was sure Mom was put there to help her and said how grateful she was for her. And that was a staff member. Another staff member came in to sing to her. They all left crying.
If was both comforting and heartbreaking to be a part of. Later, I'll tell you about some of the things we experienced with her during her final days, but not now.
One of the things I'll forever be grateful for is my sister and brother-in-law giving up almost their entire weekend to be with us and support us. It still amazes me. We, in no way, expected it. My brother-in-law held her hand and sang to her. My sister held her hand and talked to her. They brought me diet coke. They brought laughter and music and comfort for the three of us that were on duty. They provided comic relief and a shoulder when we needed one. They helped entertain the grandchildren when K2 & J came. They communicated with staff members that are friends of ours when we couldn't.
I also have to shout out to my other sister and sister-in-law. They checked in with me during the whole process, too. It just solidifies the known truth that I have the best siblings in the whole world.
Also, the way the staff took care of us during the whole process was amazing. We had a cart of drinks and snacks always ready and they were quick to fill our coffee pot and water pitcher whenever we needed. I think I only had to ask for a refill once and that was Saturday morning because our coffee went super quick. They checked on us often and were quick with hugs and kind words when things became too much and we broke down.
We spent today notifying family and friends. (The only people we called last night were the kids since it was so late.) And sleeping. And cleaning out her room. Very good friends brought us dinner tonight, which was awesome. The most I've managed today, besides cleaning out her room and the phone calls, is necessary laundry. Exhaustion is real. The kids are managing. K1 & J have checked in with us often to make sure we're okay, and made us an amazing breakfast and cleaned up. K3 was here pretty much all day and went with us for the room clean up. I talked to K2 for over an hour. K4 stayed up until dawn and has slept most of the day. She did emerge for food and hugs a little while ago. These kids are amazing and we are so blessed by them.
Tomorrow That Man and his sister go to the funeral home to finish the planning. She had already planned and paid for her funeral, which is amazing and such a relief. There is pretty much nothing that she didn't put in her plan. Arrangements are covered. After reception is covered. All of the details are spelled out. The only thing they have to do tomorrow is write the obituary and settle on date and time and the finer details. That Brother will be here Thursday, so...
It sucks. That's all I can say.
Behave
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